THE LESSON

So Beau here

taught me 3 things this weekend.

1. When pissed off, crying & hollering is self-defeating. All it does is make you snot. Instead, trot your ass outside, turn your face upward toward the sun, and occasionally, lick your balls. OK, so the ball-licking part is out, but the sun thingie is in.

2. If you arf, get somebody else to clean it up. Then drink lots of water.

3. If someone raises your hackles, listen to your hackles. They're there for a reason. Trust them.

OK, 4 things.

4. Piss on this asshole.

A campaign flyer for this ^^^^ asshat here was IN MY YARD when I got back from Dallas late last night.

Beau knows.

As soon as the front door was opened and freedom was at hand, Beau The Brilliant ran over to the flyer and promptly pissed on it.

Beau knows.

4. Piss on the asshole

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

BIG D

Heading there Sunday.

What are your plans for the weekend?

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

TGIF

For real.

TGIF!

Photo of The Beautiful Elena

TGIF!

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

O NO

So let's say you buy a product and it doesn't perform up to par.

What to do, what to do?

Well, if you're a savvy consumer, after you have tried and tried but received no satisfaction from the retailer, you take the next logical step.

You file a complaint with Consumer Protection.

Now, if you're here in the good ole USA, you'll get laughed at. By Consumer Protection. Dubyaland, you know....

However, if you're in Romania, watch out!

The agency will actually go to bat, so to speak, for you.

Case in point.

Dude, mid 40s, bought himself a blowup doll.

Uh huh, he did.

And not just any blowup doll, either.

No sir, his doll moaned.

Uh huh, it did.

So he enjoyed the *fellowship* of his *cough* lady for a bit and then she got a headache.

She quit moaning.

BTW, I Googled "blowup dolls" and and found this ^^^^^ lovely creature.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, his baby quit moaning.

It also deflated "too quickly."

Gawdhelpme, I can't hardly type this.

BWAAAAAAAHHAHAHHAHHAAA!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, complaint.

So Consumer Protection there in Romania, after carefully "testing" said *companion,* not only fined the sex shop £600 but ordered it to give Blue Balls Dude a new lady friend.

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Let's look at the Alien Babe one more time, shall we?

She was obtained through the Freedom of Information Act.

Declassified.

Absolute fave among the Minutemen.

And now you know where the term "Minutemen" comes from, too.

'Sup, pendejo?

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

CHEW ON THIS

China got the munchies.

That's right, baby.

You know how it is.

Long day, a little stress here and yonder, playtime, some salivating....

Poof!

Next thing you know, 4 of your toes have been chewed the fuck off.

And your ass was sound asleep and you didn't even realize it.

The thing that wakes you up is your frantic roommate shaking you (while studiously avoiding your bloody nubs) back to daylight.

Ain't lying here!

"Kentucky resident, Terri Smith, 27, didn’t realize what had happened until his roommate, Tim Cantrell, found him in his bed with a blood-covered left foot Wednesday morning.

Cantrell said that Smith had been in an accident five years ago, which left him paralyzed from the waist down.

The five-month-old pit bull, named China, chewed off the toes as Smith lay in bed."

Eeny, Meny, Miny, Moe

Alpo!

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

SUPER FAT TUESDAY

Map of the United States showing the states holding caucus and primary elections on Super Duper Tuesday of the 2008 en:U.S. presidential primary cycle.

Key:

* Purple: states holding elections for both parties (19)
* Blue: Democratic Party (United States)en-only elections (3)
* Red: Republican Party (United States)en-only elections (2)

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

If you want to really get into the festivities, here you go. Mardi Gras Paradecam.

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

because tonight

We Celebrate!

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

A GATHERING OF DICKS

It was bound to happen sooner or latter, and hallelujah, it has.

The one-stop Dickshop is here!

That's right, baby.

Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks.

Naturally, The Dick


is a member.

Uh huh, he is.

To wit:

Early Life and Family - "In 1959, he matriculated to Yale University, where it was thought to be impossible to flunk out. After flunking out, Cheney returned to Wyoming in 1960. He ended up graduating from the University of Wyoming at the age of twenty-four, the perfect age for a young black man to serve his country in the army."

Cheney and the Draft - "Cheney received a “hardship exemption" in 1966 when he and his wife conceived their first child. By the next year, he was no longer eligible for the draft. It had been a long process, but Cheney learned a valuable lesson: if you get in a jam, you can usually get out of it by fucking somebody."

Vice President - "In 2006, Cheney shot his 78-year-old friend in the face while quail hunting -- a practice some call "an accident" and others call "good clean fun."

Future as Vice President - "One theory about why Cheney would care so little about nuclear war and the casualties it would cause is because, in fact, Cheney actually died several years ago, and is just too big of a dick to leave, instead simply willing his body to carry one through sheer dick will."

Now Dickipedia is short several prominent dicks.

Among them are:

Every single dick in this photo montage,

and

and

and


and
Well, OK, not that ^^^^ Tweety.

This


Now, we have many superbly talented peeps who comment here regularly.

You know exactly where this is going, yes?

So anyway, all you superbly talented peeps listen up!

Dickipedia needs your writing skill.

So stir up that gray matter and get busy.

Let the Dick-A-Thon begin!


:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

THE BLUE

:(

© 2008 HillCountryGal

THE HALLELUJAH

So this dude that works for the State Police *UP* in Hamilton, N.J. has been going to church a lot lately.

You see, he's been *ahem* testing his faith.

That's right, baby.

And what better way to do so than to watch

on a

computer.

OK, I'm fibbing.

Not on HER^^^^^ computer.

Besides, ^^^ hard drive is nothing but


Instead, Thomas G. Findler was busted sneaking into Grace St. Paul Episcopal Church in the night over the last three weeks to look at pornography on a nun's computer.

The church "custodian chased him out, right into a police officer who happened to be nearby."

Prolly waiting for his turn on the computer.

Anyhoo, reached Thursday morning, Findler's father said his son was not home.

Hallelujah!


Bless me, for I have sinned....

.....and it was good!

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

THE AMAZING

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

Post Secrets

Without doubt, this is one of the most amazing vids I have ever seen.

THE MYSTERY

So I had just finished taking my shower and

OK, back up.

Let me set the stage here.

I don't have one of those dresser drawer thingies for clothes. Well, I do, but it's upstairs and it's cold up there in the winter and ass-hot in the summer.

So, in the washer/dryer room, downstairs right next to the bathroom, there's a row of shelves.

And this row of shelves is where the clothes that are being worn that season get put.

To wit:

The Nurse's shelves.

My shelf.

Notice the order of my stuff on my shelf. R to L, bandanna, socks, the 2 bras I own, panties, sweat shirts and pants, jammies, and T-shirts.

So here's the routine.

Just before my shower, I grab a pair of panties and a T-shirt and beebop to the bathroom. I place them on the top of the commode shelf thingie and do the shower thang. I dry off, deodorize the pits, Q tip the ears, and reach for the clean clothes. Panties first, followed by the T.

Simple. Routine. Never varies.

Except

Last night, did the shower, deodorant, Q tip. Put the panties on, reached for the T.

Whoa!

My panties were down around my ankles.

Hmmmmmm

OK, pulled 'em back up over my hips and reached for the T.

Panties flopped to my ankles.

WTF???

Put my glasses on and held the panties up for inspection.

Right style? Uh huh.

Right fabric? Yeah.

Right color? You bet.

Right size? FUCK NO!

They were, oh, I don't know, about 6 or 8 sizes TOO BIG FOR ME!

So I put the T on, got another pair of panties (that fit) and headed to the living room where The Nurse was in his recliner watching something on TV.

I stood between him and the TV and held the HUMONGOUS white cotton bikini panties up in front of me.

The Nurse: "Holy shit! Are you gaining weight?"

Me: "Fuck off. Have you finally decided to explore your feminine side?"

The Nurse: "Nope."

Pause.

The Nurse: "But you can bet your sweet ass if I did those would be lacy & satiny."

BWAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!

So the question is, where the fuck did those big ass panties come from?

Now, theoretically, it's possible The Nurse had an orgy with 3-4 women and one of 'em washed, dried and folded their panties and put 'em in my pile and I just didn't notice. Them or my panties stack.

After all, when I'm in my office writing a post, I am intensely focused on nothing else.

As a matter of fact, Brad Pitt himself could be sitting on my face and I wouldn't notice unless his genitals were blocking my view of my monitor and then I'd just be like, "Yo, Brad, move the boys. Now!"

So the question remains, where the fuck did those big ass panties come from?

You know, you learn a lot about peeps by their underwear.

That's right, baby, you do.

Ever have guests that stay for a few days and you offer to wash their clothes for 'em?

I did.

Brother in law.

Black thongs.

OMFG!!

Black thongs.

BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA!

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

Any movie fans in the house tonight?

This vid is a compilation of movie themes composed by the great Basil Poledouris. See if you can name all the movies here.

AFTER SOTU

Somehow, this seems appropriate in the light of day after enduring Dubya.The.Vile.Prick's last ever (we hope) SOTU.

59%

blatantly stolen from my friend John Good at Left in Aboite.

Now take this test.

Obviously, I am a meat eater.

Friend or not.

If I'm starving, you will start to look might tasty to my hungry ass.

And you better NOT fucking taste like chicken, either, you hear me?

:)

Hey, guys, we survived SOTU.

WoooooHoooooo!!!

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

THE STATE OF THE UNION IS FUCKED

Yes, dudes & dudettes, once again it's SOTU time.

Only this time, it will be


last ever SOTU.


We're gonna be live blogging the drunken historic occasion and if you choose to join in, we're gonna be getting shitfaced.

We will be downing 1 shot of whatever your fave poison is every time Dubya The Asshole mentions certain words.

To wit:

STIMULATE

FREEDOM

DEMOCRACY

BLOW

Now, no SOTU slurred delivered by Dubya The Asshole is complete without an "Alamo Basement."

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, Welcome to Texas!

"Alamo Basement"

2 parts peach schnapps

1 part Ballerina vodka (or any vodka that comes in a 1/2 gallon plastic easy-pour safety bottle)

A crushed Vicodin*, and a splash of soda.

It's served through a funnel and accompanied by chanting.

* If the person ordering is such an anal stickler for historical accuracy that they say,
"There is no basement in the Alamo!," Substitute two Vicodin.
~courtesy of the marvelous Betty Bowers.~

Bonus.

If, by some miraculous cosmic event, Darth Cheney's latest pacemaker yells, "Fuck this! I'm outta here" during SOTU, we will pause in our festivities (momentarily) while you grab yourself a piece of ass.

Followed promptly by 2 shots of your fave drink, of course.

Are you ready to rumble?

Saddle up, baby.

Let's ride!

:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal

BTW, you can live stream SOTU HERE.

A SHORT STORY - THE WEE VIKINGS

In


there's a renegade gang of


'ing






'ing


who are climbing into the


compartment of the


and stealing said


and shit.

A




said

"We're


of installing


on the


Uh huh.


:)

© 2008 HillCountryGal