So I'm guessing that some of you already have some of these under your Christmas tree, yes?
And if I'm guessing correctly, they're presents for other peeps, yes?
I was gonna do a post about the most bizarre Christmas present I've ever gotten, but hell, who hasn't gotten a bizarre present?
So, instead, this post is gonna be about the "BEST" Christmas present I've ever given.
That's right, given.
So a few years ago my brother called me.
Bro: "What you doing?"
Me: "What do you want?"
Bro: "Ah, I was just thinking of a FINE Christmas gift you could give Mother & Daddy."
Bro: "I know you give 'em sorta nice stuff every once in a while, but you never give 'em what they really want."
Bro: "And I know what they really want. And I think that this year, you should give it to them."
Bro: "Wanna know what it is?"
Me: "You're gonna tell me whether I want to know or not."
Bro: "OK, this is what you need to give 'em."
Bro: "PLEASE, I'm begging you, PLEASE wear a..."
"....just ONCE before they die. They're old, you know, and they could go at any moment."
Me: "Yeah, old people die."
Bro: "That's my point! Make 'em happy for once and wear a bra to Christmas dinner."
Me: "I'll THINK about it. NO PROMISES."
Bro: "Thank you, thank you, thank you! They're gonna die happy now."
Me: "Git off my phone, asshole."
Bro: "Love you, too! Bye!"
So I caved and went and bought a bra. Hadn't worn one in 15 years or so.
MoFo's are designed by men. IF they were designed by women, they might actually be comfortable, instead of a tortured underwired cup to push UP and out.
Anyhoo, Christmas morning making that long-ass drive to the armpit of Texas, Wichita Falls.....
Me: "WhoooHooo! Dairy Queen's open! Be right back."
Me: "Be right back! Do NOT talk to any pervs, you hear me?"
5 minutes later.....
Kids: "Mama! Your titties are UP!"
Me: "Hush. I have a headache."
Sondi: "But, Mama, they're UP!"
Me: "I swear to gawd I am gonna beat some ass in a minute!"
Joe: "No you ain't. Mama, what made 'em go UP?"
Me: "JesusH!!! Would you 2 STFU? I have on a bra under my shirt."
Kids: "Nuh uh!"
Me: "It's Mama's & Daddy's Christmas present."
Joe: "You giving Mima & Pipa a bra for Christmas?"
Sondi: "Are you, Mama?"
Me: "No, you little jerks! I'm WEARING one for them for Christmas."
Sondi: "You gonna let 'em see you without your shirt on?"
Me: "OMFG!!! STFU!!"
OK, now I am NOT LYING HERE.
At my parents house.....
Mama opened the door & gave everybody the requisite hug AND the once-over.
Mama: "You kids go say Hi to Pipa. I need to talk to your mama."
Mama: "YOU have on a bra."
Mama: "THANK YOU!!!"
Mama: "Hey, Glenn, your daughter's wearing a bra!"
From the kitchen....
Daddy: "Praise Jesus."
You know the drill.
© 2007 HillCountryGal
Note: If you're old enough to remember this tune, well, you're OLD, like me....