THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT

So I'm guessing that some of you already have some of these under your Christmas tree, yes?

And if I'm guessing correctly, they're presents for other peeps, yes?

I was gonna do a post about the most bizarre Christmas present I've ever gotten, but hell, who hasn't gotten a bizarre present?

So, instead, this post is gonna be about the "BEST" Christmas present I've ever given.

That's right, given.

So a few years ago my brother called me.

Bro: "What you doing?"

Me: "What do you want?"

Bro: "Ah, I was just thinking of a FINE Christmas gift you could give Mother & Daddy."

Me:

Bro: "I know you give 'em sorta nice stuff every once in a while, but you never give 'em what they really want."

Me:

Bro: "And I know what they really want. And I think that this year, you should give it to them."

Me:

Bro: "Wanna know what it is?"

Me: "You're gonna tell me whether I want to know or not."

Bro: "OK, this is what you need to give 'em."

Pause.

Bro: "PLEASE, I'm begging you, PLEASE wear a..."

"....just ONCE before they die. They're old, you know, and they could go at any moment."

Me: "Yeah, old people die."

Bro: "That's my point! Make 'em happy for once and wear a bra to Christmas dinner."

Me: "I'll THINK about it. NO PROMISES."

Bro: "Thank you, thank you, thank you! They're gonna die happy now."

Me: "Git off my phone, asshole."

Bro: "Love you, too! Bye!"

So I caved and went and bought a bra. Hadn't worn one in 15 years or so.

MoFo's are designed by men. IF they were designed by women, they might actually be comfortable, instead of a tortured underwired cup to push UP and out.

Anyhoo, Christmas morning making that long-ass drive to the armpit of Texas, Wichita Falls.....

Me: "WhoooHooo! Dairy Queen's open! Be right back."

Kids: "Mama?"

Me: "Be right back! Do NOT talk to any pervs, you hear me?"

5 minutes later.....

Kids: "Mama! Your titties are UP!"

Me: "Hush. I have a headache."

Sondi: "But, Mama, they're UP!"

Me: "I swear to gawd I am gonna beat some ass in a minute!"

Joe: "No you ain't. Mama, what made 'em go UP?"

Me: "JesusH!!! Would you 2 STFU? I have on a bra under my shirt."

Kids: "Nuh uh!"

Pause.

Kids: "Why?"

Me: "It's Mama's & Daddy's Christmas present."

Joe: "You giving Mima & Pipa a bra for Christmas?"

Sondi: "Are you, Mama?"

Me: "No, you little jerks! I'm WEARING one for them for Christmas."

Kids: "Oh."

Pause.

Sondi: "You gonna let 'em see you without your shirt on?"

Me: "OMFG!!! STFU!!"

OK, now I am NOT LYING HERE.

At my parents house.....

Mama opened the door & gave everybody the requisite hug AND the once-over.

Mama: "You kids go say Hi to Pipa. I need to talk to your mama."

Me: "Ohgawd...."

Mama: "YOU have on a bra."

Me: "Yep."

Mama: "THANK YOU!!!"

Pause.

Mama: "Hey, Glenn, your daughter's wearing a bra!"

From the kitchen....

Daddy: "Praise Jesus."

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

You know the drill.

Your turn!

:)

© 2007 HillCountryGal

Note: If you're old enough to remember this tune, well, you're OLD, like me....