Ah, yes, a clown story.
Now listen here.
I know "Clowns" and their *ahem* adventures have been the topic (in the comments) here on a semi-regular basis lately, but this story I'm about to tell you is the honest-to-gawd truth.
So there was this clown
that was goddamn hilarious!
OK, back up.
Gonna start from the beginning here, m'kay?
A couple of years ago, my daughter Sondi decided she was gonna hire one of those "balloon clowns"
for her son Max's 5th birthday party.
This is Max.
Yes, he IS my grandson. My little white grandson.
So anyhoo, she got out the Yellow Pages and searched for "Clowns."
Now for obvious reasons (as the story progresses) I'm making up a fake name for said Clown, 'cause, well, when peeps Google his "real" Clown name, well, you'll see.
So she called "Crown The Clown" on the phone and hired his ass, right?
She then rented the park in Lakeway for the afternoon for Max's B-party.
I'm sorry, every time I think of this I just BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAAA!
OK, I'm composed now.
So B-day arrives and we all haul ass to the park. Sondi had catered Q for the party and dozens of HEAPING platters of Q and sides were set out,
"Happy Birthday Max" banners were hung, and parents & their kiddos started arriving.
Now my daughter knows how to throw parties. Always mindful that the ADULTS might not want to drink those disgusting fruit drinks in those little cardboard boxes, Sondi makes sure there are CASES & CASES of ice cold ADULT beverages available.
Official begin the party time was 2 p.m.
Sondi: "Where the fuck is that clown I hired?"
Sondi on her cell phone: "Where the fuck are you at? You better get your ass here and do it quick, too!"
Crown The Clown arrives in his brightly colored van, honking that horn like crazy.
Sondi: "'Bout fucking time."
So I'm over, I don't know, somewhere in the vicinity, and I see Crown The Clown climb outta his van.
Sure enough, he's dressed like a clown is supposed to be.
He has one of these
purple bags hooked onto his belt.
Sondi didn't notice. At first.
Sondi: "Hey, kids, gather around now. The clown FINALLY got his ass here. Let's go. Move!"
So this group of little kids, about 40 of 'em, gathered in a sorta line in front of Crown The Clown.
The parents were milling about.
Crown The Clown reached over and hit the "Play" button on his boom box and gangsta rap starts booming.
You gotta remember something here, folks. These little kids all knew each other from a private, VERY EXPENSIVE pre-school.
Sondi: "Are you shitting me?"
Crown The Clown: "Where's the birthday b.., is it a birthday boy or a birthday girl?"
Sondi: "I swear to gawd, I'm gonna kill that fucking clown."
Max: "I'm the birthday boy. I'm a boy!"
Crown The Clown: "Well, come on up here to the front, you little buckaroo."
Max: "Mama, what's a buckaroo?"
Sondi: "It's what that clown's gonna WISH he was in about another minute."
Crown The Clown: "I'm gonna make you a birthday present. I'm gonna make you some neat things outta balloons. Do you think you'll like that, little buckaroo?"
10 INTERMINABLE minutes later....
Max: "What is that?"
Crown The Clown: "It's a little dog. Can't you tell?"
Max: "Not really."
Crown The Clown: "I know how to make more animals. Wanna see?"
A lifetime later......
Sondi: "Mama, can you tell what that fucker is doing?"
Crown The Clown: "OK, little children, listen up now. While I'm making this mountain lion, we're gonna go over some safety rules, OK?"
40 Little Children: "YEAH! Safety rules."
Sondi: "JeesusH! Safety fucking rules???"
Crown The Clown: "Now, when you're playing around your house, and you find a used needle laying around, what do you do?"
40 Little Children:
Crown The Clown: "You NEVER EVER pick it up. You go get your big sister and have HER pick it up. Can you remember that?"
40 Little Children:
Sondi: "You're gonna die, clown."
Crown The Clown: "Here's another very, very important safety rule. When you see your daddy's, or you mama's boyfriend's, or your mama's switchblade on the floor, what do you do?"
40 Little Children:
Sondi: "Mama, give me your revolver. Now. I'm fixing to cap a clown."
Sondi: "OK, kids. Who wants some birthday cake?"
40 Little Children: "I DO! I DO!"
80 Parents: "WE DO! WE DO!"
Crown The Clown: "We have one more safety rule to discuss."
Sondi: "Do you want to live to see tomorrow?"
Crown The Clown: "Yes, Ma'am."
Sondi: "Then git. Make tracks and do it NOW!"
Me: "I want Crown The Clown at my next birthday party."
Sondi: "You would."
You know, I do have a birthday coming up in March.....
Crown The Clown!
Oh, that reminds me.
We're gonna do something different on Friday.
Be sure & check in early and find out what, OK?
It's gonna be fun.
© 2007 HillCountryGal
Note: Send 'em in, baby