FINDING PAM PART 3

"PENIS ENVY"

This is Part 3 of our 3-part series on Finding Pam.

As you know, Pam is my friend, and I want you to get to know her and to enjoy her fine writing.

And while you're reading her posts, remember we need to help her pick a new blog name for her upcoming blog.

So let's *ahem* get down to "Penis Envy", OK?

Ladies & Dudes, I present Pam!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Now.

Sigmund Freud, in all of his Phallocentric glory, theorized that all little girls secretly desired to have a penis. While I cannot specifically remember even knowing about the existence of penises (or would that be peni?) until my little brother was born when I was almost 6 years old, I can, as a grown woman, relate to the concept of penis envy. There are specific times where I must admit that having a penis would be handy. Now, get your mind out of the gutter. I am speaking of the ability to pee standing up, especially when miles away from facilities or in a particularly nasty public restroom.

I think most women can relate to the following scenario: Imagine you are in a bar listening to a really great band. You've had a few beers or, in my case, sloe gin fizzes. Your bladder starts to feel full, so you make your way to the "women's restroom" at the back of the club. One of the stalls has a backed up toilet that people have obviously continued to use. It is now overflowing with toilet paper and human waste. You try not to barf (as someone seems to have done that already too) and move to the only other stall in the restroom. Some kind woman has left a splattering of pee all over the seat. You have several choices: (a) you can hover over the seat and hope that your thighs don't give out and your naked skin doesn't come in contact with any numbers of germs living in that alien pee on the toilet seat; (b) you can wipe the toilet seat with a piece of toilet paper, knowing damn well that the germs are still there and there is no soap in this poor excuse for a restroom; or (c) you can stop drinking and hold it until you get home hours later (but what fun is that?). None of these choices is particularly pleasant, but a loud bladder must be answered. You hover and hope that your high school health teacher was correct when she said that you really can't get an STD from a toilet seat.

But wait - what if there was a fourth option? What if you could pee standing up?? Ladies, did you know that you can buy a product that basically serves as a detachable penis (any King Missle fans in the house?) that can be used to pee without your nether regions coming anywhere near the nasty toilet seat?

Meet the TravelMate :

Product description:

TravelMate™ non-invasive urinary devices enable females to pee through the fly of their clothes while standing, or by attaching our medical-grade thermoplastic elastomer tubing and collection bag, answer the call of nature while seated in a car, boat, or small aircraft.

Each 1-inch x 6-inch soft plastic TravelMate is environmentally responsible— meaning that it can be washed and reused hundreds of times. Furthermore, in most cases the TravelMate wipes off residual urine (no need for toilet paper) making the product ideal to bring along when well-maintained restrooms are scarce.

Staff writer Kimberly Wong, writing for Health magazine summed up her experience with the award-winning TravelMate: "A perfect companion for any trip outdoors— not to mention the times you come across suspicious-looking toilet seats."

Storage is simple— after a quick wash under the faucet or after using one of our mini sanitizing sprayers, slip the device into one of our denim or tapestry carrying cases. It easily fits in your purse or the front pocket of a standard pair of jeans and uses less storage space than a pair of sunglasses.

If the travelmate isn't doing it for you, you can always try the Whizzy,

which proudly encourages women to "take a stand"! The whizzy also comes in two lengths, "the longer original Whizzy, and the compact travel size Whizzy with easy-grip handles."

If you are not wanting to put something you just peed into back in your purse, then there is a disposable option - The P-Mate

Instructions for the P-Mate:

The P-Mate is basically like a cardboard shoe with the toe cut off. You place the entrance of the 'shoe' directly under your urethra, between your legs, pee into the shoe and then make sure that the hole at the toe end is funnelling the urine out somewhere other than on your feet.
The P-Mate also boasts that it is "covered with a 4-leaf clover design as it is good luck to have one with you when you are in need."

But what if you are on a hot date with a really hunky guy

and you just don't want to risk the possible embarassment of him finding the portable penis in your purse? Well, never fear!! Tutorials also exist to teach women how to pee standing up without any type of phallus imitator at all. I will spare you the step-by-step instructions as those who are truly interested will, no doubt, just click on the hotlink.

Penis envy?? Bah - who needs 'em! I knew Freud was full of crap all along! But I still have one question - where the hell were the TravelMate, Whizzy and P-Mate when I was that girl in a bar with the nasty bathroom 15 or so years ago?

:) :) :)

:)

© 2007 HillCountryGal

Note: Woman