Wednesday, November 14, 2007

THE 10

"Relaxation" - photo courtesy of The Beautiful Elena

So Liberality tagged me.

Now before we get started here, you simply MUST click on the link and read her
NO. 3.


Then come back here and be totally bored outta your mind when you read the 10 things you didn't know about me.


OK, one more thing about Liberality's No. 3.

IF that had EVER happened to me, I would have been in the hospital for a week, IV fluids pumping into my veins. Dehydration, baby!!

No. 1: If I like you, I will go ANYWHERE with you and do ANYTHING with you. Qualifier: If you ask me to rob a 7-11 with you, I ain't going. Ditto on if you ask me to shoot meth or heroin in my veins. Ain't gonna happen. Besides, I wouldn't LIKE YOU in the first place if you did those things.

OK, back to the ANYWHERE/ANYTHING thingie.

The other day Hubby was bitching 'cause he wanted to go a strip club and his buds weren't "allowed" to go.

Me: "What do you mean they're not 'allowed' to go?"

Hubby: "Wife/Girlfriend won't let 'em."

Me: "OK. Hmmmmm. Then go by yourself."


I musta violated some kind of MAN RULE there. Apparently, MEN can't go to a strip club by themselves. It is a requirement that somebody go with them.

Hubby: "Are you outta your mind? By myself???"

Me: "OK, fine. I'll go with you."

Hubby: "What???"

Me: "I'll go with you."

Apparently, that also violated another MAN RULE.

MAN RULE: NEVER, but NEVER, take your WIFE with you to a strip club.

Hubby: "OMFG!! You want me to die, don't you?"

Me: "No. Why?"

Hubby: "You must want me to die of sheer humiliation."

Me: "How so?"

Hubby: "You just offered to go to a STRIP CLUB with me."

Me: "And?"

Hubby: "You know what? I just lost all desire to go. Wanna watch 'House Hunters' instead?"


Well, I would of gone, you know......


No. 2: If you're a MAN, and you want to argue with me about BULLSHIT, I WILL go for your Achilles' Heel. Oh, yeah, I sure as hell will.

Here's the deal.

When I get pissed, it's INTENSELY pissed. Likewise, it's over with within minutes. Literally minutes.

I don't know what it is about dudes that they want to argue about shit that happened 40 YEARS AGO or some some crap.

I can't remember what I did LAST WEEK and dudes expect me to remember some minor-ass BULLSHIT from EONS AGO? Ain't gonna happen.

I ALWAYS give fair warning.

Me: "Enough. Back off. Now."

Man: "Wah, wah, wahahaa, wah, wah."

Me: "You're fixing to go down for the count. Trust me on this. Now back off!"

Man: 'Wah, wah, wahah, wah wah."

Me: "OK, I don't want to hear no crying now, are you listening to me?"

Man: "Wah, wahwhahaha, waaaaahh."

Me: "Your DICK SUCKS ASS!!! I've been FAKING IT!"


Whether it sucks ass or I've been faking it or not is NOT THE POINT. It's USUALLY a blatant lie on my part. The point is that is a SUREFIRE stop'em-in-their-tracks and "THERE'S NOT ONE DAMN THING YOU CAN SAY NOW? CAN YOU BITCH?" argument stopper. Do white women do that or is that just a Latina woman thingie?


No. 3: When I was in my 30's, I had a 21-year-old BOY TOY. Sorry. I did. WELL??? Look, he was a GORGEOUS blonde California surfer reporter dude and he followed me around like a lovesick puppy. So tell me you WOULDN'T have enjoyed that!!! Go ahead, tell me and I will call you a big fat liar!


No. 4: Every April 17 I grieve for my most loved of all my pets, my beloved Maltese, Chelsea.

She died on April 17, 2003, at the age of 14. She had been my shadow since she was 6 weeks old.

Grover here (much to my daughter's consternation as Grover was HER stuffed animal) became the object of Chelsea's horniness affection.

Chelsea molested Grover into deformity. No chin, flat legs. True love is blind, yes?


No. 5: I think my grandson Holden has THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GREEN EYES IN THE WORLD.

While my grandson, Alex (yes, he of the "Buns Of Steel" fame) is, without a doubt, one of THE MOST HILARIOUS AND GOOD-NATURED KIDS IN THE WORLD!

No. 6: The summer she was 17, Angie, my daughter's best friend in high school, stayed with us a couple of weeks.

I made her date show me his driver's license, which I promptly copied and faxed to my brother, the cop.

Look, I didn't know HER DATE and he was A MAN, not a boy.

Angie's Date: "So nice to meet you. I've heard lots of good things about you."

Me: "Yeah. Lemme see your driver's license."

Angie's Date: "Beg your pardon?"

Me: "License. If you want to go out with her, Hand.Me.Your.Driver's.License.Now."

Angie's Date: "Yes, Ma'am."

Well, OK, THIS is Angie.

Uh huh. That's what I thought.


No. 7: I slit a mouse's throat, ear to little bitty ear, with a pocket knife.

Well, that little fucker had the NERVE to run over my baby son's chest when he was 6 weeks old and laying in bed beside me taking his morning nap.

The instant I saw it, I slapped that bitch so hard it hit the wall opposite the bed and promptly fell to the ground, stunned to all get out.

I calmly got up, reached over for my pocket knife that was on the bed stand, opened it, knelt down on the floor beside that prone little fucker, lifted his head back, stuck the tip in, and slice! No quarter. No mercy. No regrets.

No. 8: I sold Hubby No. 2's prized Flintlock "Kentucky" pistol for $50. It was valued at over $3,000. I sold it at the pawn shop. No, I didn't pawn it. I SOLD IT. He kept spending his ENTIRE paychecks on truck stop cuties and blue & clear's. My paycheck barely covered the rent. And I needed FOOD in the house. He cried like a little girl when I told him his pistol went bye-bye. He drove like a maniac to the Pawn Shop. They said they'd SELL IT BACK to him. For $3,000.


No. 9: When I was 17, I played Bach's Prelude No. 1, Chopin's Waltz No. 1, Chopin's Prelude in C Minor, Chopin's Prelude in A, E. McDowell's "Shadow Dance," H. Grunn's "Tis Raining", Mozart's Sonata III, Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee", and Brahms Waltz in A Flat. All by memory. All at the National Piano Playing Auditions. This is what is written on my certificate: "Much talent! You must continue study in college. Excellent sense of interpretation - feeling and color - warm rich tone. Dramatic sense and excellent style. All the qualifications for becoming a fine pianist."


No. 10: This is my most prized possession.

It measures 30 x 22 inches, and was done by my daughter Sondi when she was 20. She won First Place in the National Crayola Big Kid Coloring Contest with Jimi here. It is done ENTIRELY in crayons. Her prize? A trip for 2 to New York City for 1 week. She took her brother.


So that's my 10.

You know the drill.

Yours, please!


© 2007 HillCountryGal

Note: "Flight of the Bumble Bee"

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