Tuesday, November 6, 2007


So we're gonna start with The Year That Sucked Ass.

I know you've had 'em, too.

Mine was 1998.

January - Sondi told me she met the man of her dreams and was going to marry him. He was from California.

February - Sondi moved to California. We helped her pack her stuff.

March - Sondi married California Asshole.

April - Joe asked The Beautiful Elena to marry him. That year.

May - Sondi & California Asshole moved to Santa Fe, NM. And Joe & The Beautiful Elena began planning their wedding.

June - Sondi & California Asshole had a beach wedding ceremony in Cabo San Luca, Mexico. We all went down there for the wedding. Hubby & I got bumped on the flight back and had The Flight From Hell 2 days later.

June - One week after Cabo, the hotel where I worked as Sales & Marketing Director was sold to a group from, yes, FUCKING CALIFORNIA. Which promptly fired all of us managers.

July - In Galveston, Texas. 'Nuff said.

August - Tropical depression left us without electricity (AC) for 3 days. In August. In Galveston, Texas.

September - Joe & The Beautiful Elena got married. I decorated the Groom's Cake. Covered in exquisite chocolate flowers that I made. Which melted during the ceremony. Had a migraine from HELL. Hubby left the ATM card in the ATM machine AND went to the wedding with his FLY OPEN. Didn't notice it 'till we were dancing.

October - Landlady sold our house. Had to find a new rental.

November - Found the new rental, were in the process of moving. Hubby was taking FUCKING BREAKS and sitting down occasionally. DURING THE MOVE. Which was NOT done at our house.

November One Week Later - Hubby told me he THOUGHT he needed to go to the doctor because he THOUGHT he might have had a heart attack. Why, yes, he DID have a heart attack. Which was why he was taking FUCKING BREAKS during the move.

November Next Day - Hubby had Quadruple Bypass Surgery. Yes, open heart surgery. Rib spreaders, the whole bit.

December - Hubby got laid off from the hospital where he worked, WHILE HE WAS ON SICK LEAVE.

December - Christmas sucked.

December - My brother sent me an email telling me our Mother had died.

January, 1999

Wooooooooooo Hoooooooooooo!!!

I lived!!! I made it!!!

But never once did any of these events of 1998 even come close to
The William Tell Event.

So when my kids were little, there was ONE RULE at my house which was ABSOLUTE.


Ever. For ANY reason. The one that tattled was the one that got a whipping.

I cannot stand a damn tattle-tale. Cannot abide 'em.

Needless to say, my kids did not tattle on each other.

So when Sondi was 7 and Joe was 3, we were living in an apartment complex that had hundreds of kids in 'em.

The kids were outside playing while I was fixing supper.

The front door flew open.

Sondi: "Mama. I'm NOT TATTLING, OK? I'm NOT TATTLING. You need to come outside."

Me: "What for?"

Sondi: "Mama, I'm NOT TATTLING but Joe has an apple on his head."

Me: "What ARE you talking about?"

Sondi: "Mama, you got to come see. Hurry, Mama."

As we're walking out the front door....

Me: "You better not be tattling."

Sondi: "I'm not, Mama. I swear I'm not."

As we rounded the corner going out to the "playground," there was my 3-year-old son, standing with his back up against the 10-foot wooden privacy fence, looking straight ahead, standing very still, with a FUCKING APPLE ON HIS HEAD.

At the same instant I saw him, I saw the 13-year-old boy standing about 30 feet away drawing back on his bow. As in BOW & ARROW. No, not a plastic tip arrow, a STEEL TIP ARROW.

I literally TACKLED William Tell. Literally. He went sprawling, his bow & arrow went sprawling and I went sprawling. ON TOP OF HIS ASS.

William Tell (hollering AND crying): "But I'm a good shot. I never miss."

Me (hollering and NOT crying): "I'm gonna kill you."

Joe (hollering): "Mama, it's OK. This is No. 3."

Me (hollering at William Tell): "Oh.My.Gawd!"

William Tell (hollering and STILL crying): "I told you I never miss."


Me (grabbing the bow & arrow and hollering at William Tell): "Git your ass up against that fence. I do miss."

Sondi AND Joe (hollering): "Mama, no, no, Mama. Don't do it, Mama."

I didn't shoot William Tell.

But I did make $100 selling his bow & arrow at my next garage sale.


© 2007 HillCountryGal

Note: "Forever In Love" - Kenny G

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